In a Circle of Seasons

8:54pm: On Timelines
End of Feb through early Apr - North Carolina
Early April through early May - Germany
Early May through mid May - GBG
Mid May through end of June - Texas
After - Alaska

I am so accidentally well traveled.

12:02pm: I don't miss you LJ, but i know you miss me.

12:15am: So. Back in Germany. I have been here a total of two days and I am done with this place again. I have not even gone back to work yet and it's still lame over here. On a good note, I have decided that all of my choices have been the correct ones. Things are alright.

8:58pm: home by monday

6:15pm: So, there isn't too much to say recently. I am still here, still doin' the same thing. Still finding new and creative ways to sabotage myself. But I have also learned that I tend to sabotage myself, so I can be one step ahead of my own sabotage attempts. Hence, I manage to live a relatively normal life.

More and more people seems to slip out of my life as time goes by. And the ones that don't constantly surprise me with their refusal to do so. It's nice to know that some people will not forget me despite long lapses in contact. Not that I would blame them. I am as much at fault as anyone else. Day to day life is what causes most people have the connections that they do. And I have missed out on most of that for the last few years. I think the friends that transcend time are probably the real ones, but I am not trying to define anything for sure at this point.

Anyway, I should be back in the states in late July or around then.

5:27pm: Sooo...

Today I was thinking about how I have changed over the years, and how I have stayed the same. I thought of people that I have not bothered with in forever. People who don't really matter in my life of anything, but just kinda like "I wonder what happened to so-and-so." And then I kinda felt sick. Not like sad-sick or anything. To be honest, the sick could have nothing to do with what I was doing. I guess I am just kinda feeling my age today. I spend most of my time with people who act like they are still 18 or 20. I guess you will have that in the army, but it has the affect of me not noticing time passing.

Don't get it twisted. I am not sad about being my age, I just really didn't notice how many years it's been since certain parts of my life. The ages of 17 through 22 all kinda blur together and feel like one long yesterday. I can't complain too much though. Life has been good to me all in all. I am getting what I want. And for now, I am more happy then not happy.

Somehow for once, I am not afraid of the future. I am not worried about money or a job or anything like that anymore. I'm pretty much taken care of for now and the foreseeable years to come.

I am well.

12:25pm: My feet are wet. I just thought you should know.

So Justin married Meagan. Who let this happen? And why hasn't the world ended yet? Seriously. Who does that?

Another 9 or 10 weeks and I get to be home again. I am alright with that for real. I got some good plans for this time. I am not going to sit around and hope that people have missed me enough to call or something.

The longer I do this the more I like it. Is it because I have gotten used to it or is it because I actually like it? Or am I overthinking it?

I guess it doesn't matter. If I overthink something, then that is my normal way of thinking about it. It may be overthinking when compared to someone else, but for me it's just how it is.

Time for showering.

8:26pm: So... I got nothin.

Actually I have one of those digital picture frames. It's nifty. Yeah, I just said nifty. But it's kinda nice to have a different picture every time I look up.

Afghanistan is still Afghanistan. This second half is being pretty relaxing actually. I built a new aid station and a new room for myself. I have come to the conclusion that I like building things.

And I like living in my own product. It very satisfying to wake up in a bed that I made for myself.

Anyway, I really didn't have anything to say. I just didn't want to go forever without putting something in here.

9:52pm: It's been about a month since I've posted, and despite the lack of everyone else posting, I guess I am going to keep at it. I am on year 5 of this since I deleted the whole thing in 2003. I actually just read through all of what I still have. It took me a while. I have had a few good moments over the years, and I almost forgot about some of them. You should all read you LJ.

Slowly, the writers are falling off of the planet though.

Anyway. Afghanistan is Afghanistan. My new company is all tankers trying to play infantry. They are actually pretty good at it. I think they feel like they have something to prove. And they do so it works out. In the last month I have built my own trauma center. I have officially contributed something permanent to this place. Something that will hopefully help someone someday.

None of you know Amanda James, but she is pretty much my oldest childhood friend. My earliest memory of friendship is of her and I singing into one of those little (fisher price i think) tape players with the microphone. I felt the need to give her some credit.

2:43am: Circular thoughts.
So I have decided that I can't say that I am home or whatever at any point in my current life. My mothers house is no longer home, and I will never be able to consider myself at home while provided with housing by the army.

I have heard people talk about being homeless for a while and whatnot. It's not a lack of a place to sleep that defines homelessness. It's a lack of a stable environment. I can't say that I recommend it. I can't say that I can see any positive aspects to it at all really. To me, home has become people rather then a place, because the only stable thing that I have are the people I know, and that is never the most stable thing even in the best of times.

Meh.

1:46am: Today is the last day in the G-B-G. So um... yeah. Byes.

7:32pm: For the record...
...it's not my fault.

My vacation is going too quickly. I suppose that is the nature of vacations though. I am finding the connections that I have managed to maintain a bit humorous.

Anyway, I didn't really have anything to say. The rest of you are slacking though.

9:33am: Storming the walls with a toothpick
I am (finally) on the way back to the states. I get to stay in KAF for a few days, and then who knows. But the important thing here is that I am moving about some.

It's strange to be back in a garrison environment. I was so used to knowing everyone around me so well and not worrying so much about rank and whatnot. Being here... well, now I remember why I hate the army so much. In a way it makes me glad to be going back to Baylough.

KAF does have it's positive side too though. Poker with the Dutch is way more entertaining the with the Americans. More about playing the game. Less about money.

6:26pm: I can't help but notice...
...that I am still in Afghanistan.

12:37pm: Tomorrow and tomorrow..
I am supposed to be out of here tomorrow. It might actually happen too if the sky clears up a little bit. I have no idea when I'll be making it home, but it should be about a week.

I don't even know what happens in my town anymore. I have spent less then two months there in the last two years. That's kinda pathetic when I think about it. I talked for years about getting out of PA and now I still have more fun there then when I am anywhere else. I'm so lame.

Anyway. I am probably not going to post for a while so...

2:21pm: Let's pretend
At midnight last night, I was asleep. It was better then last year.

My LJ entry for new years day last year was something along the lines of "sometimes I really hate you guys."

It doesn't stand anymore. I don't have superficial friends anymore. Well, at least I try not to. Sometimes I am not a good judge of character.

For the articulate: http://freerice.com
I'm an addict, and it's actually for a good cause. Don't get it twisted, I generally don't get behind causes other then my own, and this is not an exception. Some of you are not like me in this and can appreciate feeding hungry people in someplace. Either way, it's fun.

Anyway, I'll see some of you soon. Hope the new year treats you well.

8:05pm: Today I drank hot chocolate with ginger in it. It was pretty damn good. Ginger is probably one of my favorite flavors ever. I just thought I would put that out there.

So we have a possible date for leaving here now. Jan 22. I don't think it will happen, but there is a chance it's correct. It'll take probably two weeks from that to get back to Germany, and then probably a week there before I get to be home again. Of course, my unit is short medics, and I may have to stay here for another six months. Just what I always wanted. Given the amount of drama at home these days though... maybe Afghanistan is better.

My success rate with females is getting better. I'm up to a 50% survival rate in spite of their husbands and fathers trying to prevent me from doing my job. "Sorry dude, you're wife is missing all the skin from her shoulder. I have to take her shirt part of the way off to fix it or she's going to die" "OK. I'll just take her home and let her die then." WTF? This culture is bullshit.

I'm done here.

11:54am: I was going to update, but I just realized that I don't have anything to say. So I'm saying this because I was here and didn't want to not say anything after taking the trouble to get here. Somehow I think this may relate to my life and the way I live it.

Also, today I get to count batteries. How fun does that sound?

1:41pm: Today I am in sort of an odd mood. It's not a bad mood. It's kinda good I guess. I think my body knows that somewhere, October is happening the way it's supposed to. This has always been a month for change for me. As I look back through my LJ, it's always October where things go crazy. I feel clean again in October. Maybe reborn-ish. Like all the life that goes out of the plants and whatnot, becomes mine. People can never seem to keep up with me. But it has a downside, Everything I do in October ends with the month too.

I don't know what the point of this is really. I guess I just feel alive.


but just like every other time:
illic mos semper erubesco

11:14am: For the first three people that reply to me and re-post this challenge - I will send you something.

It might be something I've made, or something cool from my hidden stash.

Whatever it is, I promise that I will get it to you in 365 days or less. (I will need your snail mail if you're not local).

The only thing you need to do in order to participate is to be one of the first three to reply to this, AND you must post this very same thing on your live journal.

11:49pm: Sometimes, when I read my friends page, I feel like I am watching an episode of teen girl squad.

5:49pm: So I have not posted an entry in a little while. I suppose things are going as well as they can be. This is definately not what I expected, but then nothing ever is right? I'm not sure if this whole thing is making me harder or not. It's definately changing me. There are so many things that I can't bring myself to put down here. There are so many things that I never want to think of again, but I know that some of these memories will haunt me forever.

I've noticed too, that I have some really good people behind me. Sometimes support comes from the most unexpected corners of your life. There is so much more depth to everything then I've ever imagined. So much darkness and so much light. Everyone needs to do something that leads here. I'm not saying that everyone needs to do what I did/am doing, I just think that everyone needs to get all the way out of their comfort zone, needs to find their true limits, not just the end of their safety net.

Even through all of this, or maybe because of all of this, I've managed to finally achieve some of my goals. I've seen life on the edge. I've seen people finally drop all of their masks and become real for a minute. I don't know what the benefit of this is, but I know it's something I've waited most of my life for. People don't have anything left to hide when they realize every second could be their last. I wish everyone could be this honest.

Well, that's all for today kids.

6:03pm: I have decided that being deployed is effing boring. I spend 90% of my time in my room just sitting around. It's kinda alright to an extent. I started playing bass again, and jamming with an guitar player here. We play on the roof at night. It's kinda fun I guess, but accoustic bass is a completely different animal and it's taking me a bit to adjust.

My current playlist consists of Muse, VAST, Rasputina, Zeromancer, Brand New, and Tori Amos. It's probably the best combination of unrelated music ever.

There is nothing really new or exciting to talk about in my life. I'm gonna take several naps now and then go back to the roof.

7:44pm: What?
I like holly's image. it makes me laugh every time i see it.

I officially fought the Taliban while wearing shorts, t-shirt, armor, and tennis shoes. no socks. i got sand all over the place. The other day, I wore my converse when then were mortering us. i do what i want.

But really, I am done with getting shot at. I am done with the locals who are such scavengers. I am done with being stuck in this place while my life continues without me.

Anyway, enough complaining. Some romanian guy got some sharapnel cuts on his face today. I stitched that up. That was kinda interesting. Those were my first stitches on a person.

I got nothing else.

3:18pm: Today I had to make a very sad call. Yesterday we found a kitten in one of the little towns around here. All four of her legs were broken, not just a little bit but severely, and she was bleeding from the eyes and was just all mangled. I was told it was my choice to either put her down or try to save her. I gave her food and water and went to look at her legs. The way they were broken there was nothing I could do except try to let them heal all twisted and deformed. I was going to keep her and take care of her, but I leave here in 6 months and there would be no one after me to take care of her. She was obviously in a lot of continuous pain. I know that I made the right call to put her out of her misery. I know she would have died anyway, but I keep second guessing myself and wondering if there was something I could have done differently.

They made fun of me for being sad about it.

I hate feeling powerless like that.